To preface and possibly the best way to kick off last weekend, I pre-ordered Adele's new album meaning it arrived in my iTunes account Friday so that I could listen to the whole thing during my flights home. When you've spent the last month and a half listening to the same songs over and over, editing, remixing them, and working out transitions, you appreciate listening to any new music, and very rarely is it in the form of such a solid album as Adele's "25". It was so good, I added one of her songs in the middle of the dinner mix mid-flight.
I arrived late Friday night and promptly went to bed to sleep off the remnants of Meg's parting gift (her cold). Saturday was errands and then a quick 3 hours of togetherness with Court, Mac, and Bai in the late evening. Sunday morning at the reception venue to drop off the sound equipment, home to change, then to the Deutsch house to just miss Rae, which sucked. I'm happy that Rae did the girls' makeup and Court's hair, but man was I stoked for a childhood bestie reunion and losing out on that gutted me more than I care to admit. We texted to exchange pleasantries and hopes for another opportunity. After that, it was about helping out wherever and being a calming presence. Extended family eventually showed up and I was formally introduced to the out of towners by Mom as her "4th daughter" followed by "Ahh, so you're Kirsten" responses, which was slightly terrifying.
After driving relatives to the church, I returned to pick up half of the bridal party to take to the church, then was told to find a seat in the family section because it was wedding time. I sat down next to Grandpa Chris. Little did I know that the seat next to me would be a buffer seat between Mom and I, whose hand I'd hold until Pop was left empty handed after letting his daughter go. I knew I'd be exhausted and that tears could come easily, but I also knew that if I kept my cool, Mom could keep calm too. It helped that the vows were generic and I didn't directly see any of the girls' faces as they'd probably get me going. The groomsmen were angled towards us so I fixated on how Chris' tie was too short. I'm an ass, but seriously boys, it should reach your belt, not end a few inches above (Neckties 101). The moment when I came close to cracking was when I took note of Grandpa Chris pulling out his kerchief. It was a moment when I realized that neither of my grandfathers would be at my wedding blowing their nose or wiping their eyes. I'll be lucky if any of my grandmothers will be there.
After the ceremony, this 4th daughter became the DJ. Headed to the venue where Gav helped me setup the sound equipment I rented. I let the dinner mix take over while I sat back and enjoyed a meal with the company of an always sexy Deen and lovable Jen. Speeches were given (good job ladies, so proud of your pacing and pausing) and then it was dance time. It's a joy to watch Bob and Cathy Warnock dance. You wish you have the same amount of fun dancing with your significant other. Big shout out to the older generation Stellers because you out-danced everyone else. Good thing Dennis and Court left because I would not have been able to add all your rock requests with them present (who vetoes 80's music?!?) Happy to keep everyone pleased and grooving. Even happier to delete the music I swore I'd never be caught dead with (the exceptions you make for friends, and the exceptions you make to yourself by refusing to pay for shit music).
I know pictures would help document all this, but if there's one thing that's remarkably unique to Court's and my relationship it's that it's not documented well in anything but this blog. She's always hated pictures. Add in the fact that they requested people to not take pictures or post them, and you'll basically never know I was home for the wedding, let alone the weekend. There is literally one pic with me, Court, Dennis, and the family and I have no idea who the lady is that took it. I think Heather Dettling got one, but I wasn't looking at the camera. I'll be the Asian on the end who looks photoshopped into a white family's picture.
Reception ends, pack up the sound equipment, goodbye hugs, drive Yan home, decompress because Yan's a champ at letting me do that, shower, pack, get a few hours' sleep, head to the airport where the Paris events revealed their impact as I was sequestered for additional security screening for the first time ever. I had the usual paperwork I've always had with me that's been able to get me through no problem, but this time every detail was scrutinized. I had to recall my entire rotational schedule which on very little sleep and with all the trips I've made, is hard to remember under such pressure. I had to explain where I got my finances from, show my tuition payment history, describe a standard day to prove that I didn't have time to find a job and make any sort of money in the States. I had to give addresses of the sublets I've stayed at and how I found them. I had to say where I got my undergrad degree from and what the degree was. It was frustrating, but the last place you want to lose it is in customs. You have no idea how much I wanted to yell "I'm almost fucking done med school, the beast that has somewhat ruined my personal life. I literally have one more trip to the States after New York and then I'll have my degree. I come home for 56 hours for a wedding and now, now you're giving me a hard time?!?" I get they have a job to do and I respect that, but I'm Nexus cleared and I've paid over $250,000 USD to a country with no guarantee of getting paid anything back from them. No one brings in that much to a nation's economy and makes that many personal sacrifices to threaten anyone's livelihood. I made my flight just fine. Got home around 9:30pm to a Judy who told me I looked tired and to get some rest because I needed to be up at 5:30am for work the next day.
That was the weekend. A complete blur that I was barely present for. I even had to apologize to Jen because even though we sat next to each other, I can't remember a single conversation we had. I know we shared cupcakes.
In hindsight, Meg's visit a couple weeks ago was a huge gift of being filled up because I probably would have been a wreck otherwise. Temporary exhaustion was the theme of the week. Arrived to the CCU with all new patients except one, and with American Thanksgiving coming up, it proved to be ample opportunity for my American colleagues (all NYC DO students) to show their laughable ignorance. They were astounded that Canada had Thanksgiving. This was followed by questions about whether we observe Halloween or Black Friday and explaining what Boxing Day is. Later on in the week, they were confused as to how Chinese names work (surname first then given name). Needless to say, I came off as the more cultured and well-rounded student of the bunch. I'm all for educating people and I'm happy to help. On that note, a random Rossie found and messaged me on Facebook as I was name-dropped by my surgery attending in Chicago. It's flattering and I was happy to help up until the student asked me for a copy of my letter of recommendation. Red flags shot up, along with lights, alarms, and whistles. I wanted to help the girl, but just couldn't rationalize the risks involved and the betrayal of my attending's trust to share my letter. I was able to diplomatically decline and describe what a strong letter should contain. Hopefully, it's sufficient.
Unfortunately, right now, I'm tired of giving. Yes, it's as awful as it sounds. Like I said, Meg's visit was wonderful because it was a very life filling time, and it showed me that I need to put some focus on that aspect. As much as I love people and helping whenever I can in whatever way, I need to find a balance between being filled up and giving without running empty. I know God refreshes my soul through purposeful moments with people, but also (and more importantly) through spending time with Him not just at church, and I just haven't put in the time to recharge so I'm burning out at a faster rate. Quite frankly, this blog is a service. It's certainly not a dialogue and I find myself splitting up my free time between the blog and continuing to invest in relationships here and abroad. Last month's "every other week" arrangement got me thinking about the necessity of maintaining this blog. It is in every sense a labour of love because it takes a lot of energy and I do it for you. But the toil of 3.5 years has really worn me down and I don't think I'm offering you much substance other than MOTS for the past year. I'm so thankful for the strangers that have benefited from the blog. I'd love to be able to offer you what I used to, but until I feel like I can, I think it's best to stop giving half-assed posts. I need to focus on being more sustainable, and return when I have something that can be of good. I don't know when I'll return. Maybe a post a month, but I won't commit to any specific time frame. As always, I remain available on a private basis as I have been. I appreciate your respect and support.
Thanks,
