A long overdue solid vacation

I initially wasn't going to blog about my vacation because it has nothing to do with med school, but the trip was wonderful in so many ways that I had to share it. Here's the quick notes:
Apr 2/3 - fly home from LA
Apr 7 - fly to Terrace to spend time with Erin & Jesse in Prince Rupert where we rock climbed and took a day trip to Nisga'a Provincial Park

Apr 12 - fly home 
Apr 15 - fly to San Francisco, meet Rachel (Ross friend from RCF and champion hugger) at the airport, show her San Fran, drive to Sonora where I stayed at Kara's house.
Apr 16 - Kara shows me Sonora in the morning, we have lunch, I quickly shower and get ready for Ali's wedding, which was beautiful. Ali and I hadn't seen each other since Miami, but we kept in touch through Skype, text, calls, etc. that it didn't feel like we had been physically apart for so long. It was such a blessing to see her get married and hug her. So much love for that lady

Apr 17 - Rache and I drive back to San Fran. I fly to Ottawa, she flies home to Florida. I arrive ~1:30am and Alyse picks me up because she won't let me take a taxi. I missed Alyse's wedding last year and hadn't seen her in comparable times to Ali. It was a good reunion hug
Apr 18 - hang with Alyse, went for a good long walk & talk, dinner at home with Josh
Apr 19 - drive to Montreal to reunite with Hannah (of the Dunbar house). I missed Hannah's wedding (noticing a trend) and hadn't seen her since Deen's wedding. Hit up Notre Dame, Old Port, Mont Royal, and poutine with her husband Trevor at La Banquise.

Notre Dame Basilica with Hannah

Apr 20 - drive to Saint John, NB by cutting through Maine. Arrive at my first Airbnb of the trip where Lindsay is my host. We chatted, drank wine, watched The Break-Up and followed that with playoff hockey. Hung out all night. Wonderful woman. 
Apr 21 - Reversing Falls, Fundy Coastal Drive through Fundy park (which is gorgeous), Hopewell Rocks, skim past Moncton, drive the northwestern loop of the PEI Central Coast Drive to Charlottetown. Checked into Best Western (2 night stay)

Cape Enrage

Apr 22 - Points East Coastal Drive of PEI.
Apr 23 - Drive through Cole Harbour, NS (home of Sidney Crosby) en route to Halifax. Pier 21 Museum of Immigration, Citadel (which had just closed as I arrived), checked into Best Western (2 night stay), went to King of Donair for the best legit donair ever, then to Willy's for poutine. 

Not much going on in Cole Harbour

Apr 24 - Drive to Peggy's Cove, then Lunenburg, then take in the Citadel. Ice cream at Dee Dee's. Headed downtown for lobster dinner at Salty's. I found free parking a few blocks from the restaurant so I got to enjoy the boardwalk. It was pretty dead, when I noticed a group of people walking past. I only noticed because I heard a voice that sounded familiar. I glanced up as they passed and saw that the voice belonged to my old roommate Hayley. SMALL WORLD!! It was wonderful to catch up with her. She moved to Halifax shortly after completing nursing at UBC two years ago. She'd always been a traveler looking for her next adventure so it didn't surprise me that she just up and left after graduation. Arrived in Halifax with a suitcase and backpack and then figured the rest out later. She's been working at the Halifax Infirmary. I have a soft spot in my heart for Hayley despite how brief we lived together for. Up until that coincidental moment, I had been focused on me the entire trip. My enjoyment, my comfort, my thoughts, my music, me, me, me. Running into Hayley was the best thing to happen to me during the whole trip. A great reminder that while I know I need to take time for myself, God will still bring people into my life that I have a responsibility to pour love out on, and that that is a privilege. We emailed back and forth after our run-in. It felt so good to tell her how proud I was that she's still a risk-taker. Knowing our luck, we'll cross paths later on in life. 

Peggy Cove

Apr 25 - Drive up the eastern loop of the Cabot Trail on Cape Breton to stop in Dingwall where I check into my 2nd Airbnb. Rinchen was my host, but he was out of town so I had the whole house to myself and it was glorious. 
Apr 26 - Drive the western loop of Cabot Trail and follow through to Moncton where I met my 3rd Airbnb hosts Mylene & Dominique. Mylene's 2 aunts and 1 uncle (from Campbellton, Caraquet, and Rimouski) were visiting and Dominique was cooking and baking and I was treated to a delicious home cooked meal surrounded by loving family. Myelene and her family are Acadian so they've been in Canada since the 1700's and their history is so rich. It was a real treat learning from them. One of her aunts owns a sugar shack and brought a bottle pure maple syrup for us to drink. Pure decadence. 

Cabot Trail - best scenic drive

Apr 27 - home cooked breakfast and a bunch of hugs and kisses sent me on my way which coincidentally was Rimouski. However, given that I knew where the other two were from, I took detours into each of their towns on my way up to pay homage. Arrived at my 4th Airbnb where Evelyne welcomed me. She was about to start her online class for the evening. She's a physical therapist and eager to do some missions trips. Superb English but incredibly humble about it. Beautiful woman, beautiful heart.
Apr 28 - drive to Quebec City, walk the Plains of Abraham, old city, parliament, get poutine at Poutineville which is for sure the best poutine I've ever had, hands down. Check into my 5th and final Airbnb where keys were left for me much like in Cape Breton, except it was an apartment instead of a house. I slept very well. 
Apr 29 - drive to Sainte-Anne-de-Beaupre where they have a gorgeous basilica and an outdoor Stations of the Cross. Drive to Ottawa to Alyse & Josh's

Apr 30 - Alison (my cousin) and David's wedding when I discover that the card I bought for them was a tad inappropriate. 

I sent this pic to Deen to see what she thought - "It's very clearly boy bears"

May 1 - Tour Parliament with Alyse & Josh where they were having a ceremony commemorating the Battle of the Atlantic. PoutineFest was also a couple blocks away (God is good).

May 2 - fly home, have dinner with aunts, uncles, (5 of us flew into town that day) and grandma, arrive home at the same time as Chelsea and Kara who embarked on a Pacific Northwest road trip a week after I left Kara's house in Sonora
May 3 - Took the girls to Jethro's for breakfast, then Stanley Park, then Whistler

Chels enjoying Lost Lake, Whistler

May 4 - drive down to Horseshoe Bay to take the ferry to Vancouver Island to enjoy Nanoose Bay, which was gorgeous as always. I definitely take the beauty of BC for granted as Chels and Kara couldn't get over the views.

Picking up shells along the shore

May 5 - drive to Victoria and spend a few hours there, but the girls want to be back at the house to see the sunset again. So we cook up some burgers and grill zucchini for dinner and eat it on the patio. Then I made a fire and taught them how to properly roast marshmallows. Chels said seeing me chop wood with a hatchet and build a fire while wearing a flannel shirt was the most Canadian thing she's ever seen. 

May 6 - drive to Englishman River Falls, eat lunch at Coombs Market, take the ferry back to Vancouver and have dinner with my parents
May 7 - the girls take off in the morning and thus ends the vacation

Halfway through the trip, I found out that I got accepted into UBC's IMG Clinical Assessment program and that it would start May 9th. So it was perfect timing to have a long vacation and then return home to work. Unfortunately, it means that I won't be able to attend Genny's wedding in June which I had RSVP'd "yes" to. But God is good and Genny has been so understanding and supportive of my circumstances. She basically said that she'd be pissed if I came out for her wedding instead of focusing on the program. Love her so much.

Eastern Canada is beautiful and so rich with history and culture compared to Western Canada. I couldn't be more content with my decision to do this trip alone and take time for myself. I re-read Blue Like Jazz by Donald Miller. The last time I read it I was in high school, but it felt surprisingly relevant, especially the politics. I love driving and loved being able to do so much of it while belting my guts out to my favourite songs. It was so liberating and healing. I find that when I am able to spend time alone and recharge, I'm better able to purposefully interact with others and this trip affirmed that for me. I definitely recommend others do a similar trip. I know I'm definitely going back in the future. I met amazing people and reconnected with old friends. I came home and reconnected with old friends and now I look forward to meeting amazing people through the program. It's a wonderful balance. 

That's a wrap

The week after "Match Day", Aroon was sick so it was just the preceptor and I for the first few days. I was able to do all the para- and thoracenteses which is always fun. I also helped my preceptor stay organized with the new EMR for my own sanity. In return he says kind things like "What am I going to do without you?" and "Those programs don't know what they're missing because you're a great doctor". Of course, the day after Aroon returned to work, the doctor called in sick. Thankfully I remain immune to whatever took my male cohorts out of the line-up. 

As details slowly trickle out, this year was a bit of a perfect storm against Canadian IMGs wanting to get into Family Medicine. This year broke US records for the most graduating students choosing Family Medicine. Normally this specialty is somewhat disregarded by US grads, but the year Canada decided to limit visas for US residencies also happened to be the year that Americans decided they'd like to do Family Med. A lot of us didn't match. Great physicians and colleagues whom I esteem much higher than myself find themselves residency-less. There were also great Americans who didn't match either. I'm keeping good company.

Gavin and Naomi were in town for the Easter weekend to visit friends. Since Gav's flight was delayed, I took in the 7pm Good Friday service Reality LA did with First Presbyterian Church of Hollywood. It was my kind of Good Friday service - something somber that gets you into the deep sadness of Jesus dying. We have the benefit of knowing he eventually conquered death, but oftentimes in skipping to the end, you miss out on the magnitude of the cost. It's like telling me that the last four years have just flown by when you talk about my medical journey. I understand where you're coming from because you didn't live through what I did, but boy does it make my blood boil. You can say "Yeah but he rose from the dead" as easily as you can say "Yeah but you're a doctor" and you're totally correct. But in doing so, you kind of spit on what it took to get there. Let me be clear, I'm not saying that going through med school is akin to dying on a cross and saving the world. I'm just telling you how God allowed me to relate to Good Friday especially this year.

After the service ended in darkness (literally all the lights where turned off) and silence, I transited downtown to meet up with Gav, Nayo, and their friends. The commute gave me a good hour to process and contemplate before having to switch gears. They had already gone to a place for appies and drinks, a place for dinner and drinks, and now I was meeting them at a bar for drinks. Bai, remember how I showed you how to nurse a beer? It may be one of the best things I teach you. You keep your wits about you while responsibly enjoying a beverage and the company. After they had a couple rounds, someone was craving tacos. I suggested Guisados. We enjoyed a good walk and made our way to Guisados where Gav was able to enjoy a variety of authentic Mexican tacos. We all got our taco fix that night. I got home around 1am. I worked at 8am earlier and figured Saturday would give me recovery time. 

The next day was prefaced to me as an eating tour, which sounded relaxing and awesome. Left at 9am to head to El Monte with Gav, Nayo & Keiko to meet up with Mike. I met Keiko and Mike in Jan 2015 when Nayo visited LA briefly. From there we drove to Portola Coffee Lab in Santa Ana, then to Sidecar Doughnuts in Newport, then to Fashion Island, then to Newport Beach, then Arcadia to feast at Golden Deli (a Vietnamese restaurant owned & run by another friend, Huy). We decided to chill at Huy's place for a couple hours where we walked his husky, Grey. Then we headed to Kings Row for drinks where I nursed a pint until someone was craving pizza. We walked across the street to Mi Piace Italian Kitchen which is a fancy sit down restaurant. I figured we'd go to a pizza by the slice place, but nope, we ordered fancy pizza. I arrived home around 2am exhausted. These adults are in their mid-30s to mid-40s and I have no idea where they get this energy from. They were going to do this the next day after Easter dinner together. Knowing that I'd have to work Monday at 8am, I bowed out of the Easter dinner plans. 

Sunday morning, Gav texted me that Nayo wasn't feeling well and that only he would be joining me for church. Reality LA rented out the Dolby Theatre in Hollywood for Easter Sunday. It felt a bit odd to walk into the lobby and see all these pictures of celebrities who had won their Oscars there. The stage looks no different from a theater on Broadway in NYC. I expected it to be bigger. As we sat waiting for the service to start, I talked to Gav about Reality to give him an idea of what to expect. Other than being a larger venue and having testimonies and baptisms, it was a typical Reality service. Leaving the theater, Gav said "I can see why you like this church. I really enjoyed it." It made me smile, but it also felt bittersweet knowing this would be my last service with Reality for the foreseeable future. Thankfully, all their sermons are posted online and I intend to tune in from abroad. I said goodbye to Gav and then we went our separate ways.

In the last couple weeks, Aroon and I have had great conversations. I can't think of a better way to end our degrees than with each other and our preceptor. Aroon has considered himself agnostic for years. Our preceptor is a self-proclaimed "cultural Jew". I am a practicing Christian. We all know this about each other and it hasn't caused any tension between us. Aroon's family is from Pakistan and they are Christians. Given the recent events in Lahore, the Easter weekend proved to be a sad time. Aroon out of respect and love for his family still attends church with them whenever he's in town. He loves his parents and wants to be able to take care of them when they grow old. Despite this, his father still keeps him at arms reach saying that his heart isn't big enough to love who Aroon has become and that he wouldn't want to live under Aroon's care. I know Pakistani culture plays a large part here, but it's so heartbreaking to hear that and I didn't hesitate to tell Aroon that ironically, he was the one showing Christ-like love. I stressed that Christian love is unconditional and that it's not about ignoring people's perceived faults, but reaching through them. I wanted Aroon to know that his dad's "love" wasn't representative of God's love one bit. On our walk back to the hospital, I was checking my Facebook feed and saw an article that spoke directly to what we had been discussing. I gave my phone to Aroon and said "I think you need to read this." It was such God timing and he really appreciated the article. 

That's something that I've been thinking about lately - Christians living out love without contradiction, especially here in the States. I have felt no greater tension and confusion when I come across a Christian American who hates the Affordable Care Act ("Obamacare"). Chelsea came into town on Tuesday to have dinner with me and it's always a joy to spend time with her. We talked about this and it was a great discussion.

There are few things more important to me than living a life with integrity. I don't care how long I live, how much money or things I accrue, how many friends or family I have. I care about being able to meet my maker knowing that I held fast to the core principles of my faith. My goal is to make my life align with my faith, not the other way around. That's a big reason why I've been so at peace with my current circumstances, because this medicine business is just a small part to my life. My purpose remains unchanged from when I first started med school - to take what God has given me and be something good in the world for him. I know I can be fruitful without practicing medicine as much as I can be fruitful practicing medicine. To suggest otherwise would deny God's limitless power. And in looking back on these four years, I can say that I'm proud of the decisions I made. I know I could have chosen an easier path in med school and my friends and family wouldn't hold it against me, but it means more to me to be able to show my love to them through my actions and being present. I'm glad I didn't do a track. I'm glad I was around for tumours, weddings, and funerals. I'm glad I didn't neglect others. When I get my degree, I'll hang it up not to boast in the fact that I have an M.D., but to remind myself that I held firm to my faith and continued loving others as much as before while pursuing my M.D. It'll always remind me of what's actually important in life and that balance is possible no matter what stage of life you're in. 

As proud as I am to say I am officially no longer a med student, I'm more proud to say that I'm still the same person. Yes I've grown in ways, but the core of me remains. I showed up when it mattered. I invested in new relationships while maintaining old ones, and there is no doubt that every one knows I love them. I did not leave people behind or forget them. I heard you, I saw you, and I'm so happy I could do that while in med school. That relieves me to no end because one of my greatest fears was that I would lose my passion as I grew older; that I wouldn't pursue people as I became an adult. I feared it because I saw it in friends and mentors I once looked up to. I feared it was part of growing old; that your most fruitful years would be when you're a youth leader/worship leader/small group leader and after you drop that you dry up. Well I gave up those positions up to become a doctor, but I know my heart is the same. I still act on its promptings. I still think about how I can minister to others. I am almost 30 and about to board a plane in the next few hours to a very unknown future and I have never been more at peace about life.  

Take a picture, it'll last longer

Radiology is my last rotation and the hours are very cushy. Reading films is a skill I've wanted to work on for a while and I've got a great preceptor who's been in the business for 30+ years. I have a colleague from Ross, Aroon, with me. We were in the same semester and have many mutual friends, including the island family.

Our preceptor is an interventional radiologist (IR) meaning he does procedures in addition to interpreting films. When I was doing my vascular surgery elective in Vancouver, we had weekly meetings with the IR team to discuss cases. IRs can do angiograms and angioplasties, but not bypasses or grafts. They can insert tunneled and nontunneled catheters for dialysis, but not create fistulas. They perform biopsies, paracenteses, and thoracenteses. A vascular surgeon can do all of those things, but their time is better spent on procedures where their specialties are more needed. Given all that, I've stood through procedures much in the same way as I did in vascular surgery, with 15 pounds of lead covering my body. The benefit is that it's all very familiar.

Since our hospital just started using a new EMR, our preceptor's age is showing. I grew up with technology as computers advanced from 8" floppy disks, to 3" floppies, to CD- and DVD-roms, USB and HDMI ports. I was born before the internet was a household idea. It started with dial-up, then cable, then DSL, and wi-fi. I acknowledge technology's rapid evolution that older generations either kept up with or didn't. My preceptor is in the lagging category, as is my landlady. Helping both of them has tested my patience in remarkable ways. To make matters worse, my preceptor never took the time to learn how to type, which is inexcusable. The qwerty keyboard has remained relatively unchanged from typewriters to computers so I called him out. He's a good sport and admitted that his mother type up assignments when he was in school because she could type really fast, and he's always dictated his reports (first onto tapes, now directly into software), so he never developed the skill. One day this week, a whole team of IT advisers & "super-users" came into the room to teach him how to create a note template for the EMR combining his deficiencies in technology and typing. It was a painful experience.
 
I went to the Nucks game a couple weeks ago. Found a $30 ticket. This trip I packed my white Nucks v-neck. So I dressed it up with my thin hoodie and a black blazer (because I layer like a boss). While waiting to cross a street, I got my first and probably last "Damn Daniel!" from a teenage girl driving by. There are so many things to laugh about in that encounter - the soon-to-be dated reference for starters; perhaps my laced TOMs were mistaken for Vans (if you're confused, don't worry, you're not missing much - and you're probably old). Nonetheless, that complimentary drive-by would be the last of the night as I had a few "boos" thrown my way at the Staples Center. Kings fans are a different breed. They're very loyal (for the last 5 years that is) and unashamedly poor sportsmen. I have no doubt that some Canucks fans are caustic, but the character and culture of the team is classy. Can't say the same about the Kings. It starts with their captain who likes to be a pest and it carries over to the goal celebrations. After the Kings scored a goal (and there were 5 of them), a montage of silly youtube videos plays on the big screen, then it's finished off with a picture of Henrik Sedin with a photoshopped frown, which draws a large laugh from the Center (every damn time). Immediately after the music ends, the organist plays two notes which cues the crowd to taunt the goalie - "Mil-ler" (even after an empty net goal). This is my third away game and the first time I actually regretted going. Columbus fans appreciated good hockey even if it was a 5-0 romping by the Nucks. New Jersey was a class act. LA needs their mother to teach them a lesson.

In my other free time, I've started studying Job with Bailey and that has been a wonderful experience. While I've known Court and Mac longer because they're older, Bailey is without a doubt the sister who I relate to the most in these last 4 years. It's been such a pleasant surprise to discover how well we identify with each other's struggles and thoughts. We seem to be going through the same motions at the same time just with different context. When we talk, our 10 year gap is barely noticeable, which is refreshing and a source of deep joy. She is one of the strongest people I know and I'm so proud of the mature woman she's becoming. Don't get me wrong though, I have unique relationships with the other two girls. Personality-wise, Mac and I are most alike with our busy bodies and composed/restrained demeanor. We also have the best hugs. Ironically, Court and I have the least in common across the board - personality, life experience, interests, diets, and she doesn't nap anymore. But of course, you know how much I love that girl and without her, I wouldn't have a relationship with this family at all. God works in mysterious ways indeed.

I haven't talked much about the residency process mainly because it's complex and it's a sore subject. I did not match into a residency program in the USA. On Monday, emails informed applicants if they matched or not. Then on Friday, matched applicants learned which program they matched to. Aroon matched in Family Med in Michigan. He was convinced he'd match in California where friends and family are, but he is still happy he matched in general. He's been so cool about my situation and a great support.

I'm disappointed, but I'm not crushed. If I have learned anything from this journey it's how to accept the many tough hands I'm dealt in life and strengthen my resolve. There's no denying how rough these last 4 years have been and it'd be naive to think that everything would come up roses after I got my M.D. Two years ago, I started to get an idea of how hard it would be for an average Canadian student from an international school to get a residency. So the idea of not having a residency was something I'd been aware of. Now that it's becoming a likely reality, it's not shocking. I take it in stride. I know what I can do to strengthen my application next year, especially in Canada, which I still have a very very slim chance I'll get a residency in this year. 

Since you all know how much I love talking about my medical future (please note the palpable sarcasm), I'm going to tell you not to ask what I'm going to do next. For the past 4 years, I've sat through many conversations answering pressing questions that, unless you're awful at reading body language, you know I have permitted with tensed muscles. Accept that you aren't in a position to fix things or offer suggestions which you seem eager to do. I understand you want to know I'll be ok, but listen to me now and listen well, I AM OK. I have been beaten down in life, but by no means have I given up or become lost or aimless. I have always moved forward. Every fucking time. You have been privy to my hardest moments (which is a privilege, not an entitlement), but not a single one has resulted in me standing still. I advance. That is what I do and have done over and over. I am not stuck. I have held my future with open hands knowing that wherever God takes me will be where I am most fruitful and happy, even if it's not medicine. That has always been my stance. I do not sit around and hope for divine signs to show me what to do, because I don't believe God works that way. I take my God-given talents and passions and aim to use them in a way that honors him. That is my life and my fulfillment whether I am a practicing physician or not. So you see, me not getting a residency isn't the sign to freak out and gear up. Me abandoning my faith, that's when you need to step in. Thankfully, I don't see that happening, ever. 

I am fine. You need to accept that and resist your urge to offer unqualified and unsolicited advice. It will make you a better communicator and person. I am not stewing in negativity. I told that to Aroon and my preceptor and that has allowed us to carry on with the rotation with ease. Let's follow the same suit and move on, shall we?